Have you been struggling with feelings of failure as a mum lately? This post is specifically for you.
The feeling of failing as a mother can be so painful and touching. You have put in your time, love and given up the best things of life to meet the needs of your children and partner. You’ve tried so hard to be the “good mother” society expects, and it feels like you’ve failed completely.
This is the story of my friend, Lucy, a mother of four grown children: two beautiful daughters who are thriving (one a lawyer, the other an IT expert) and two handsome sons. Despite being adults at 20 and 25, her sons are still struggling to find their way, unable to hold down a job and still relying on her financially.
When I saw Lucy and we were talking, her face fell when I asked about her sons. She told me, “Joy, I really thought I’d be enjoying the success of raising my children by now, but I’m still the one providing for two grown men. They just won’t get their lives together. I’ve failed as a mother.”
It hit me hard. How could I help her? What could I even say? She had poured so much love, effort, and sacrifice into raising these children, so why did things turn out like this?
She remembered the busy years, juggling her small business and trying to be there for all her children. There were days she was so tired but she was still pushing to make a better life for them. What went wrong?
The question is, When you’ve given your all to your children and done everything “right,” but still feel like you’ve failed and it wasn’t enough, what do you do?
I interacted with other mothers and there were so many cases, some serious like Lucy’s case, some not too serious but all the same outcome, a feeling of failing as a mum.
To the mother, trying to balance work and parenting and you just missed your child’s first ballet performance, I know the feeling.
For the mother who juggled deadlines all night and still had to get the kids ready, only for them to miss the bus this morning, I understand your pain.
To the mother, tired from the day’s work and coming home to a partner who wants to have an intimate moment with you and all you want to do is sleep, I know the feeling.
It’s common for mothers to feel like they’re failing, even when doing their best. This blog will delve into this issue and offer practical, heartfelt guidance to work through these feelings and reconnect with the joys of motherhood.
What to do if you feel like you’re failing as a mom
1. Recognise the Weight – You Are Not Imagining It
This is the first step in managing the feeling of failing as a mother. Parenting can feel like a race towards endless perfection, being there for your children amidst the hustle, working hard, and still trying to have your own life.
But sometimes, that pressure just becomes too much, and you end up feeling like you’re not succeeding at anything. It’s not just you, it happens to mums everywhere, and it shows up in a few common ways.
Maybe you couldn’t make it to your child’s school event because of work. Maybe you gave them a fast snack instead of a proper meal, or, just as with Lucy, they made poor life decisions.
Even small things can make you feel like you’ve done something wrong. Moms all over the world feel this, whether they’re working outside the home or staying home full time, there’s often this nagging worry that they’re not doing enough or making the right choices for their kids.
2. That myth of a “Perfect Parent”
This is a myth, an idea that there is such a thing as a “perfect mother”. It is fuelled by expectations from society, what we see on the television, movies, internet and social media.
What the Myth Looks Like: A mother that is calm and patient, never raising her voice, handles every tantrum with grace and poise. One that can juggle work, a spotless home, make delicious meals, and still have time for herself both socially and emotionally.
We always forget the fact that people often share only their successes and rarely their failures and struggles.
This often leads to guilt and shame for real mothers who can’t live up to this impossible standard, causing constant pressure. And in trying to meet these unrealistic expectations, we become exhausted, stressed, and constantly doubt ourselves and our abilities.
This is an impossible standard, no mother can have it all perfect, motherhood can get messy, you will make mistakes and fall short. So stop comparing yourself to others, you are the best version of yourself. No one can be a better mother to your children than you.
3. Build your support system
The need for a support system can never be over emphasised. This feeling of failing can be drastically reduced when you connect with others who understand the journey of motherhood.
Motherhood despite its joys can be demanding, isolating and stressful. This responsibility can make mothers feel alone in their struggles.
However, admitting you need help requires vulnerability. It means showing others that you don’t have all the answers or that you’re struggling.
In a world that often praises strength and control, showing vulnerability and asking for help takes courage to face. We are always afraid of what others might think. But honestly, who cares what they think?
Be honest with yourself. Instead of struggling alone, take a step to improve your well-being and the well-being of your family by having a support network. It is a form of Self-care, one that can reduce stress and prevent exhaustion.
It could be partners, co-parents, Family, and friends. Get help with tasks or childcare. This can free up time for you to rest, pursue your own interests, or simply have a moment to yourself, which is essential for long-term sustainability as a parent.
Reach out to friends who are already mothers, even if their children are older or younger. Get them to share their experience with you. Their experience can be valuable.
You can also find community groups, religious organisations, local clubs, or local mother groups in your area that can provide a sense of belonging and support. Being part of a community can make you feel like you belong and that you’re not the only one experiencing this.
Be open at Playgrounds and School Events. You can strike up conversations with other parents you encounter in your daily life.
In worse cases, there are professionals such as therapists, counsellors or lactation consultants who can give expert advice in maternal mental health, if needed.
Make an effort to stay connected with the people in your support network, even with busy schedules.
Knowing you’re not the only one struggling can be incredibly powerful in reducing feelings of isolation. Also sharing your feelings with others who “get it” can normalise your experiences and make you feel understood and less alone in your doubts.
4. Nurturing Yourself – Self-Care is Essential
Self-care isn’t a treat or something you do when you have extra time. It’s as essential as eating, sleeping, and breathing for your overall well-being both physical, emotional, and mental. Just as a car needs fuel to run, mothers need to replenish their energy to function effectively.
When you are empty, stressed, and overwhelmed, your capacity to be patient, loving, and present for your children reduces significantly.
Without self care, you will burn out and end up in a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged stress.
This can make you struggle with parenting and can negatively impact your health and relationships with your children.
But when you care for yourself, it makes it easier to handle stress, control your feelings, and feel happier. You will be in a better mood to be more present in your home and engage with your children.
Here are some self care activities you can engage in
- Deep Breaths: Taking a few slow, deep breaths can instantly calm the nervous system. Do it while waiting for the kettle to boil or during a brief pause in the day.
- A Warm Drink: Savoring a cup of tea, coffee, zobo, or a comforting beverage without rushing can be a small act of nurturing.
- Stretching: A few gentle stretches can release tension held in the body. Do it while the kids are briefly occupied or before bed.
- Listen to Music: Putting on a favorite song or a calming instrumental piece can shift your mood.
- Step Outside: Even a few minutes of fresh air, feeling the sun on your skin (with sunscreen!), or noticing the sounds of Lagos life can be grounding.
- Mindful Moment: Focusing on one of your senses fully such as the taste of your food, the feel of water on your hands, the sound of birds can bring you to the present.
- A Quick Call/Text to a Supportive Friend: Reaching out to someone who understands can provide a boost of connection.
- A Short Walk: Even a brief stroll around the neighborhood can clear your head and provide physical activity.
- Reading a Chapter of a Book: Escaping into a story can be a welcome distraction.
- A Relaxing Bath or Shower: If time allows, a warm soak or shower can be a soothing ritual. Add some Epsom salts or aromatherapy if available.
- Gentle Exercise: A short yoga or stretching video can improve mood and energy levels.
- Journaling: Writing down your feelings (without judgment) can be a way to process them. Even a few sentences can help.
- Engaging in a Hobby: Spending a little time on something you enjoy, even if it’s just a few minutes of knitting, drawing, or listening to a podcast.
- Connecting with Nature: Visiting a small park or tending to a few potted plants.
Start with one or two small self-care activities and gradually build from there. It’s not about achieving perfection in self-care either, but about finding small moments of joy amidst the demands of motherhood. You are likely doing a much better job than you think you are.
5. Celebrate your Strengths
Take a moment to see the good things you do for your kids and the strengths you have as a parent. Ask yourself some guiding questions such as:
- What are the things my children often come to me for? (Comfort, advice, help with specific tasks?)
- What qualities do I possess that my children might admire or rely on? (Patience in certain situations, good listening skills, creativity, a sense of humor?)
- What are some challenging situations I’ve navigated as a mother, and what strengths did I draw upon to get through them? (Dealing with a sick child, managing tantrums, supporting them through a difficult time at school?)
- What aspects of my parenting do I feel reasonably confident about? (Bedtime routines, providing meals, reading to them?)
- What do my children say or do that makes me feel like I’m making a positive impact in their lives? (A hug, a thank you, sharing a secret?)
- Even on tough days, what small acts of love or care did I manage to offer? (A gentle touch, a reassuring word, ensuring they were safe and fed?)
Write these thoughts down for a few days. It can help you make sense of feelings that are hard to grasp.
Then redirect attention from perceived failures (missed bus, slightly burnt dinner) to the small victories that happen throughout the day.
Examples of Small Wins:
- A child saying “thank you.”
- A moment of laughter shared.
- Successfully calming a child down after a tantrum.
- A completed homework assignment.
- A child sharing a toy or showing kindness.
- Getting everyone out the door (even if slightly late!).
- Managing to have a relatively calm bedtime routine.
- A moment of connection, like a meaningful conversation or a hug.
Celebrate those small wins. Notice when something good happens and say it out loud. Naming the win makes it more real and significant. For example, “Yes! I managed to get everyone out the door with (mostly) matching shoes today!”
You can also keep a gratitude journal. When you look at a collection of good times, it can help to disprove the feeling that you’re always failing.
Celebrating small wins is not a one time thing, do it consistently and slowly you will build your self esteem and confidence
By doing this consistently, you will recognize the many ways you are nurturing, caring, and making a positive impact on your children’s lives. This will bring you more joy and a feeling of achievement every day.
In conclusion, there is no such thing as failing when your heart is rooted in love. So embrace your real, messy self. That’s not failure, that’s a mother’s incredible strength
You may also see:
Toddler sleep schedules that actually work (and why yours might not)
How to overcome the overwhelm of motherhood and find joy again
