Hi moms, are you searching for ways to establish your own personal limits? This post will show you how to set boundaries as a mom (so you don’t feel like a doormat).
Even from a young age, I’ve always had a strong sense of responsibility. Growing up in my parents’ home, I naturally fell into the role of making sure everyone else was comfortable and taken care of.
I started managing the household, cooking all the meals, and doing laundry for everyone from a very young age. I simply didn’t know how to refuse, even when it was not convenient.
My family (mom, brothers, sisters, and even relatives) relied on me for everything, and my to-do list was always packed.
This may be due to the fact that I am the first child. In Nigerian culture, first offspring often carry significant cultural, emotional, and even financial responsibilities. They are often seen as the “second in command” after their parents.
They are expected to set a good example for their younger siblings in behavior, discipline, and attitude. Parents often say things like, “Your younger ones are watching you,” which reinforces the idea that they must lead by example.
So getting married, I carried that sense of responsibility and support to my new family. I offered encouragement, guidance, and stability to everyone in the family, friends and loved ones, even when I myself may have been struggling.
From starting my day by 5:00 AM everyday to preparing my kids for school, then my husband is asking if i can quickly drop off something on my way to school. I nod, “Sure, honey.”
On my way to work, my sister called if I could watch her kids again this weekend, even though i had plans to do some laundry and catch up on some training videos.
One hour into the day, my friend calls and says that her children are sick and we begin to rub minds together on how to do some home remedies as hospital visits are the last resort. From work to the market to get groceries, down to church for bible studies then I head home.
The moment I walk through the door, my brother calls with an urgent request. He needs me to take over his remote work, and it’s due tonight by 8:00 PM.
After making dinner and the kids are asleep, i finally collapsed on the couch at 9:00 PM, the house is quiet, but my mind is still buzzing.
My husband is already asleep, snoring peacefully while i’m still awake folding and ironing the last load of laundry.
I realised that I said “yes” to everyone, but somewhere along the way, I said “no” to myself. I feel stretched thin, resentful, and honestly, more like a doormat, always there for others to wipe their feet on, always accommodating, always giving until there’s nothing left.
Sound familiar? If you’re nodding your head right now, you’re not alone. Millions of moms feel like human doormats, and it’s time to change that.
Understanding Boundaries
Think of boundaries as simply stating your comfort levels. You are saying ‘This is what I’m okay with, and this is what I’m not.’
It’s about making choices based on what truly works for your family and your life, not just what makes everyone else happy.
Ultimately, boundaries clearly define what’s acceptable and what’s not in your relationships.
Why do we become Doormats?
From the moment we become mothers, society hands us this invisible script that says we should be everything to everyone.
We’re supposed to be the perfect wife, the devoted mother, the helpful daughter, the supportive friend, and somehow still maintain our careers and look put together.
Most times, we don’t ask for help because we just feel like if we don’t do it, they won’t get done right, and everyone will be disappointed.
We have been wired biologically and emotionally to nurture, protect, and provide. Our instinct is to respond to our children’s needs, to soothe, and to care. This is just how we are.
Your toddler is having a meltdown because their stack of cards fell. Your immediate response is to drop everything, pick them up, and fix it.
Then your older child needs help with homework right now, even though you just sat down for the first time all day. Your instinct just makes you jump in.
We dread the look of disappointment on our children’s faces, the sigh from our partner, or the raised eyebrow from a family member or loved one.
We’re afraid of being seen as “mean,” “uncaring,” or “selfish.” This fear often outweighs our own genuine need for rest or space.
What’s more, many of us simply weren’t taught or shown healthy boundaries as we grew up. Our parents often said ‘yes’ to everyone, and we naturally picked up that same habit.
But setting boundaries is not selfish. In fact, it’s one of the most loving things you can do for yourself, and for your family.
If you’re constantly pouring yourself out for everyone else without refilling, you’ll eventually have nothing left. You’ll be irritable, exhausted, resentful, and less present.
Let me tell you what happened to my neighbor Jessy, for years, she said yes to everything. Yes to hosting every holiday. Yes to watching everyone’s kids. Yes to staying late at work. Yes to driving her teenagers everywhere. Yes to her husband’s every request.
One day, she found herself crying in her car outside the market because she was so exhausted and she forgot what she came to buy. She realised she hadn’t had a conversation with an adult about anything other than schedules and to-do lists in months. She couldn’t even remember the last time she did something just for herself.
That’s when it hit her: she was raising kids who expected her to do everything for them, living with a husband who had no idea how to help out in the household, and surrounded by people who saw her as a resource rather than a person.
Time for a self-check: Where are you feeling drained?
Grab a pen and paper, or just open a note on your phone. Let’s do a little reflection and audit. Let’s pinpoint the specific areas where our energy, time, or emotions are leaking away.
Consider these different types of boundaries and ask yourself if any of these scenarios hit home.
1. Time Boundaries
Do you feel like your time is constantly being taken without your consent?
Example 1: Your phone rings. It’s your friend, and she wants you to run an hour’s worth of errands for her “since you’re already out.” You feel disappointed because you had planned to use that time for yourself, but you mumble, “Sure, I guess.”
Leak: Your personal time is being hijacked.
Example 2: You finally sit down to pay bills, and a child immediately needs you to play, or your partner starts a complex discussion about home repairs. Constant interruptions mean you never get deep work done, even on your own tasks.
Leak: Focus time.
Example 3: Your calendar is packed to the brim, not just with your own commitments, but with favours, play dates you didn’t really want, and social events you feel obligated to attend.
Leak: Over scheduling, lack of space.
2. Energy Boundaries
This isn’t just about time; it’s about what physically and mentally exhausts you. What activities or people consistently leave you feeling completely drained, even after they’re gone?
Example 1: You always offer to host family gatherings, even though the planning, cooking, and cleanup leave you utterly wiped out for days afterwards.
Leak: Always taking on the burden.
Example 2: Your phone is constantly pinging with messages from a relative who only calls to complain about their life, expecting you to solve all their problems. You hang up feeling heavy and sad.
Leak: Being an emotional problem-solver.
Example 3: You’re the default parent for every single task, from making breakfast to bedtime, while your partner often “forgets” or waits for you to step in.
Leak: Uneven distribution of labour
3. Emotional boundaries
This is about safeguarding your feelings and not taking on the emotional burdens of others.
Example 1: A friend constantly overshares negative details about their life, leaving you feeling emotionally burdened and anxious, even though you just wanted to have a light chat.
Leak: Emotional dumping.
Example 2: Your child has a tantrum, and instead of letting them process their feelings (within safe limits), you immediately try to make them happy to stop the crying, sacrificing your own peace.
Leak: People-pleasing, inability to tolerate discomfort.
Example 3: You bite your tongue and don’t express your own frustration or hurt because you don’t want to upset anyone, leading to resentment simmering inside you.
Leak: Suppressing your own feelings.
4. Physical Boundaries
This covers your personal space, your body, and your need for quiet.
Example 1: You’re in the bathroom, door closed, and a tiny hand slips under the door, or a child is loudly banging on it. You never get a moment of true privacy.
Leak: Lack of personal space.
Example 2: Your children are constantly climbing on you, even when you’re clearly tired or trying to focus, and you rarely get a moment where you’re not being touched.
Leak: Constant physical demands.
Example 3: You never get any true quiet time in your home, even for 10 minutes, because someone is always making noise, playing music loudly, or demanding attention.
Leak: Lack of quiet or recharge time.
5. Material and financial boundaries
This involves protecting your possessions and finances. Are you constantly lending money you can’t afford to lose, or consistently buying things for others that you don’t feel good about?
Example 1: A family member frequently asks to borrow money, and you always say yes, even though it strains your own budget.
Leak: Financial exploitation.
Example 2: You feel obligated to buy elaborate gifts for every single birthday party your child is invited to, even when it puts a strain on your budget, because “everyone else does it.”
Leak: Peer pressure and social obligation.
This exercise isn’t about blaming; it’s about finding out what exactly the problem is. It’s about shining a light on those hidden drains so you can start plugging them up.
This clarity is the crucial first step to setting the boundaries that will finally help you reclaim your life.
Setting Boundaries with Your Partner
This is often the hardest one because we don’t want to feel like we’re “keeping score” in our marriage. But here’s the thing, if you’re doing 90% of the mental and physical labour at home, something needs to change.
My friend Maria had this exact problem. She was working full-time, but she was also the one who remembered doctor appointments, planned meals, did the grocery shopping, managed the kids’ schedules, and kept track of everything.
Her husband would help when asked, but the key phrase there is “when asked.” She was exhausted from being the household manager.
So she sat down with her husband and said, “I need help, but I also need you to own some of these responsibilities completely. I can’t keep being the one who remembers everything and delegates everything.”
They divided up responsibilities. He took over all medical appointments and school communication. She handled meals and grocery shopping. He owned the kids’ extracurricular schedules. She managed household maintenance.
The first few weeks were bumpy. He forgot about a dentist appointment. She had to bite her tongue and not jump in to “fix” it. But after a month, he was fully managing his areas, and she felt like she could breathe again.
So communication is key, Communicate clearly and calmly.
Setting Boundaries with Your Kids
This one’s tricky because we love our kids and want to help them, but we also don’t want to raise entitled little humans who expect everyone to cater to their every need.
We want to teach them crucial life skills such as respect, patience, self-regulation, and understanding that others have needs too.
My girlfriend’s daughter, Emma went through a phase where she expected her mom to bring her forgotten homework to school, make her lunch when she overslept, and drive her to friends’ houses at a moment’s notice. She was running around like her personal assistant.
One day, she realised she was teaching her daughter that her poor planning was always going to be her emergency. So she sat her down and explained the new rules: “I love you, and I want to help you succeed, but I’m not going to rescue you from the consequences of your choices anymore.”
The first time she forgot her lunch, she had to eat the school lunch (which she hated). The second time she forgot her homework, she had to face her teacher. It was hard to watch, but guess what? She stopped forgetting things.
Honestly, she’s become more responsible because of it. Every single time you calmly and consistently hold a boundary, you’re building a stronger, more respectful relationship with your child, and you’re protecting your own energy.
Dealing with Extended Family
Family members often feel like they have unlimited access to your time and energy, and they’re not always great at hearing “no.”
My sister-in-law used to call me every time she needed a babysitter, which was about twice a week. She’d always frame it as an emergency or make me feel guilty if I said no. I love her kids, but I also have my own life and my own kids to take care of.
I finally said, “I love watching the kids, but I need more notice. Can you ask me at least two days ahead of time unless it’s a real emergency?”
She pushed back at first, saying I was being difficult. But I stuck to my boundary. Now she plans better, and I actually enjoy babysitting more because I’m not feeling resentful about it.
Setting boundaries with friends
Some friendships can become one-sided due to lack of boundaries.
I had a friend who would call me every time she had a crisis, which was often. She’d talk for hours about her problems, but whenever I tried to share something going on in my life, she’d quickly change the subject back to herself. I realised I was being used as a free therapy session.
I started setting small boundaries. I’ will say, “I have 20 minutes to talk” at the beginning of the calls. I’d redirect conversations, “I hear that you’re stressed about work. I’m dealing with some stuff too, can we talk about both our situations?”
Some friends adjusted and our relationships got healthier. Others drifted away, which was honestly a relief. I learned that a friend who can’t respect your boundaries isn’t really a friend at all.
Are you still wondering how to actually do it? Follow this step-by-step guide
1. Identify Your Boundaries
Take an inventory and self reflection to identify those areas your boundaries are currently been crossed so you know where to start building them back up.
2. Understand Your “Why
Knowing why a boundary is important to you will give you the conviction to uphold it. Is it to protect your time, energy, peace of mind, or resources?
3. Choose the Right Time and Place to Communicate
When you are calm, discuss with your spouse, friend and loved ones about the situations and how it makes you feel.
4. Be Clear, Concise, and Direct
Be specific about what you will and won’t accept. Don’t push blame on others. Express yourself without blaming the other person.
5. Be Firm and Consistent
This may be difficult at first, but stick to those boundaries you set no matter what. If you give in once, it signals to others that your boundaries are flexible, making it harder to enforce them in the future.
6. Start Small and Practice Gradually
Don’t tackle all the issues at once, take it gradually. The more you practice, the easier it will become.
7. Reiterate and Reinforce When Necessary
Sometimes, people genuinely forget or test boundaries. Don’t be afraid to gently remind them.
8. Prepare for Reactions
Definitely, there will be reactions. Some people may be surprised, disappointed, or even angry, especially if they’re used to you being more flexible. They will adjust. Your responsibility is to uphold your well-being.
Here’s the thing nobody tells you about setting boundaries, people are going to test them. The people who have been benefiting from your lack of boundaries aren’t going to cheer you on when you start saying no.
My mother-in-law said i was being “difficult” when I stopped hosting every holiday. My friend accused me of “changing” when i wouldn’t drop everything to listen to her latest drama. My kids whined that i was being “mean” when i stopped doing everything for them.
Then i realised that their discomfort with my boundaries was actually proof that the boundaries were necessary. People who respect you will respect your boundaries. People who don’t respect your boundaries don’t really respect you.
If you need permission to start setting boundaries, here it is: You are allowed to have limits. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to prioritise your own well being.
You are allowed to expect reciprocity in your relationships. You are allowed to ask for help.
You don’t have to be everything to everyone. You don’t have to be the family martyr. You don’t have to earn love through exhaustion and self-sacrifice.
Start today. Start small. Start with one boundary. Your future self will thank you, and it’ll make things so much better for your family.
The world needs more moms who know their worth and aren’t afraid to protect their peace. Be one of them.
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