Feeling overwhelmed by your child’s big feelings and those dramatic tantrums? This post on how to help your child deal with big emotions without tantrums is for you.
Parenting especially when the kids are still young is a journey filled with joy, wonder and unexplained love. But it also comes with its own fair share of challenges especially when you are trying to manage the children’s emotions and tantrums.
Seeing your child scream and have a tantrum can be incredibly frustrating. It’s hard to understand how a child you poured so much love and effort into raising can act in such a way.
You might even start questioning where they picked up such behaviour, especially since it’s not something you’ve taught them, or you might wonder if you’ve unknowingly done something to set off this outburst.
The secret to handling these tough moments with your kids is really about understanding why they’re happening in the first place.
Children in their early years are still in the process of developing how they think and understand the world around them. Their emotional experiences are big, intense and overwhelming.
Because they’re still learning to put their thoughts into words, that difficulty in expressing themselves can often come out as anger, sadness, or being extra clingy.
They also tend to live in the present, that’s why something that might seem small to us, like taking away a toy, can feel like a huge deal to them in that moment. They haven’t quite learned yet that feelings don’t last forever or that they’ll get the toy back later.
So they now express their emotions physically through crying, yelling, hitting, or withdrawing.
Tantrums are normal, albeit challenging, and part of child development, particularly between the ages of one and three.
They are the dramatic emotional outburst kids use to express their intense feelings, a communication tool, and a way of saying, “I’m upset and I don’t know how else to show you.
Lots of things can set off a tantrum in kids. It could be something as simple as being hungry or tired, feeling overwhelmed by too much noise or activity, having to switch from one thing to another, hearing ‘no’ to something they really want, or just feeling like no one understands how they’re feeling.
So it is important that you know that it is a common phase in children. So instead of feeling like it’s their fault or just getting annoyed when your child has a big emotional moment or a tantrum, it’s more helpful if you can try to see it from the child’s point of view, try to understand what the child is feeling and help them learn and grow emotionally.
How to help your child deal with Big Emotions without Tantrums
1. Understand the “Why” behind the meltdown
Think of tantrums like a volcano erupting. Often, they happen because kids haven’t quite learned how to handle those really big feelings bubbling inside them yet.
It’s like their ’emotional control centre’ is still under construction, so when a strong feeling hits, it can just explode out as a tantrum.
I remember when my child was trying to build a tower and it kept falling down, she became frustrated and had a meltdown and ended up throwing the toys everywhere. Frustration can be a trigger.
Hunger can also be a trigger. We all get cranky when we’re hungry, and it’s the same for kids, maybe even more so.
Another trigger could be “not being heard”. If a child feels like their words or needs aren’t being taken seriously, that can lead them to throw tantrums.
And finally, transition moving from one activity to another, like stopping playtime to get ready for bed or leaving the park, these changes in routine can be really tough for kids and often spark big emotions.
Your child isn’t just trying to be difficult; they’re experiencing something intense that they don’t know how to handle.
Our job is to help them learn how to handle those big, real feelings in a way that doesn’t overwhelm them or us.
2. Create an atmosphere of safety and strong support
In the midst of all the emotional roller coaster they are experiencing, the home is a safe space, one that’s meant to provide a sense of stability and security to the child.
So try and create a calm and predictable home, one with clear routines. When the home is peaceful and calm, children feel more secure and safe.
This helps their bodies relax. When they’re calmer on the inside, they’re better able to handle the little stresses that pop up every day.
Keeping things a bit quiet, tidier, and less hectic at home can also help. Too much noise, mess, and craziness can overwhelm kids, especially those who are sensitive, and this can trigger those big meltdowns.
Have routines and clear expectations. When they know what to expect, it makes their world feel more organized and predictable, which can really help them feel less anxious and prevent those big emotional outbursts.
3. Be calm during a child’s emotional outburst
When your child is really upset and having a big emotional moment, how you react can either make things even worse or better.
When you stay calm while your child is having a meltdown, it’s not just about getting through that moment. It’s like showing them, ‘Hey, even when feelings are really big, we can stay steady’.
You’re teaching them how to handle their own strong emotions in a healthy way by showing them how you handle yours.
When you react by getting angry, yelling, or panicking themselves, it’s like pouring fuel on a fire. It usually just makes the child even more worked up and doesn’t help calm things down at all.
Tips for staying calm as a Parent:
- Take a deep breath: Before reacting, take a few slow, deep breaths to calm yourself.
- Lower your voice: Speak in a calm and even tone.
- Validate their feelings: Acknowledge their emotion without necessarily agreeing with their behavior (“I see you’re really upset right now”).
- Offer comfort and support: Let them know you are there for them.
- Avoid getting drawn in: Don’t engage in arguments or try to reason with a child in the midst of a full-blown tantrum.
- Focus on safety: Ensure the child is safe and not hurting themselves or others.
- Address the behavior later: Once the child has calmed down, you can discuss the inappropriate behavior and explore alternative ways of expressing their feelings.
4. Help them name and understand their Feelings
When big feelings pop up like anger, sadness, or excitement, it can be really confusing and overwhelming if they don’t know what’s happening. Help them identify and name these feelings.
You can’t really deal with a feeling effectively until you know what it is. Naming the emotion is the first step towards learning how to cope with it in a healthy way.
It also helps you communicate with them, once they have the words, they can tell you how they’re feeling instead of just acting it out through a tantrum.
So, here are a few simple ways to help them build their emotional vocabulary:
- Feeling Charts: These are visual tools with pictures or faces representing different emotions (happy, sad, angry, scared, etc.). You can point to them and ask, ‘How are you feeling right now? Can you point to the picture that shows how you feel?’
- Books About Feelings: There are many wonderful children’s books that focus on different emotions and how they look and feel. Reading these together can help your child learn new emotion words in a fun and engaging way. You can talk about how the characters in the book are feeling and why.
- Simple Language: Use clear and simple words to label emotions as you see them happening. For example, if your child is frowning and has tears in their eyes, you can say gently, ‘You look sad. Are you feeling sad because your toy broke?’ You can also label your own emotions in a simple way: ‘I’m feeling happy because we’re going to the park.’
- Mirroring and Body Language: Help them connect the feeling word with how their body feels and what their face looks like. ‘When you’re angry, your face gets scrunched up like this.’ You can even make faces in a mirror together.
5. Really listening and showing you get it
Truly listening isn’t just about hearing the words; it’s about getting down to their level.
Physically getting down to their level shows them that you’re present and focused on them. It creates a sense of connection and makes them feel seen and heard, rather than feeling like they’re talking up to a giant.
Make eye contact when speaking to them, this shows paying attention and that what they’re saying and feeling is important to you.
Acknowledging their emotion, like saying, ‘I see that you’re feeling this way, and that’s okay.’ It doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with why they’re upset or that you’re going to give them everything they want. It just means you’re recognizing their feelings as real and important.
Dismissing their feelings can make them feel unheard, unimportant, and even more upset.
Really listening and showing you get them helps them feel understood and less alone in their big emotions. Once they feel heard and validated, they’re often much more open to talking about the problem and finding a solution.
6. Teach them healthy ways to cope
Here are some healthy ways to cope when those big feelings start to bubble up:
- Deep Breathing Exercises: Big, long breaths in and out. It helps slow everything down inside.
- Sensory Activities: This could be squeezing a soft stress ball really hard, squishing and rolling play dough, or even just feeling the texture of a smooth stone. It gives their hands something to do and can be really grounding.
- Create a special, safe space: This is where they can go when they’re feeling overwhelmed. It could have soft pillows, favorite books, or quiet toys. The idea is that they learn to recognize when they need a break and have a designated spot to go to calm down before things escalate.
- Get them to talk about their feelings: Once they’ve named their emotion, encourage them to talk about why they’re feeling. Even if they can’t fully explain it, just getting the words out can make the feeling feel less overwhelming. You can ask gentle questions like, ‘What happened that made you feel this way?’.
7. Set clear limits and respond the same way each time
Creating boundaries helps children learn to manage their impulses and develop self-control. Let them know that there are predictable limits to what they can do.
It might feel like the quickest way to stop a tantrum is to just give in to what your child wants, but actually, that can lead to even more tantrums down the road.
It unintentionally teaches them that having a meltdown is a powerful way to get their way. Sticking to your boundaries, even when it’s tough, helps to break this pattern over time.
So stay calm, acknowledge the emotion, hold the boundary, negotiate when they are calm and then offer comfort and hugs to help them feel safe.
Let them know that there is unacceptable behavior like hitting or yelling. Children need to understand that these actions are not okay, regardless of how big their feelings are.
8. After the storm: Help them learn
So the storm has passed, the tears have dried, and everyone’s a bit calmer, it’s now time to talk.
Don’t try to have this conversation while they’re still upset or agitated. Wait until they are genuinely calm and receptive to talking. You might offer a hug or just sit quietly with them for a bit first.
Gently try to figure out what might have led to the tantrum. Ask open-ended questions like, ‘What happened right before you started feeling so upset?’ or ‘What was making you feel that way?’ Help them connect the dots between the situation and their emotional response.
You can now brainstorm healthier ways for them to handle those big emotions next time.
Ask questions like, ‘What could you try doing next time you feel that angry/sad/frustrated?’. Guide them towards the coping mechanisms you’ve been practicing.
You could say, ‘Remember we talked about taking deep breaths when you feel angry? Could you try that next time?’ or ‘If you’re feeling really frustrated, maybe you could tell me how you’re feeling with your words instead of shouting?’
The goal of this conversation is to help them learn and develop better coping skills, not to make them feel guilty or ashamed about having a tantrum. Keep your tone gentle and supportive.
Above all else, remember that teaching your child to navigate their big emotions is a marathon, not a sprint. It calls for heaps of patience and there will be good days and challenging days, progress and occasional steps backward.
Treat each moment with empathy, trying your best to see the world through your child’s eyes and acknowledging the intensity of what they’re feeling, even if it doesn’t always make sense to you.
You may also see:
How to teach kids manners without being too strict
How to keep your house from looking like a Toy Store exploded
The Best Time Saving Cleaning Hacks for Busy Moms
What to do if you feel like you’re failing as a mom
Toddler Sleep Schedules that actually work (and why yours might not)
